Something hard to explain…
I am on my last.emotional.string.period. God has given me enough to get through the deployment. Granny dying and Josh coming home bring conflicting emotions and for my own sanity, I have to pick one. Especially since we’re picking Josh up the day after Granny’s funeral. I have been rather lucky the past 21 months. I’ve only had to really deal with a single emotion at a time, which is good for someone with my personality type. But, I don’t have the emotional energy to snap immediately between grieving and celebrating. So, I have chosen the later.
It isn’t that I’m insensitive or immature. Life isn’t fair. It’s a kick in the pants that Josh went to Iraq. But we dealt with it. I have come to terms with Josh being dropped off in Grand Rapids instead of Anoka. I have come to terms with participating in a welcome home ceremony where I don’t get an opinion. And it isn’t Josh or my fault that Granny died this week.
But since life isn’t fair, a person with depression, like me, has to choose between the emotions we feel, lest we have an emotional break down. Josh deserves to have a wife who has spent all week preparing for his return. Josh deserves a happy wife, a welcome home that is not muted with grieving. I will tone down my giddy excitement at the appropriate moments, but at the same time, I have to live life. I have to feel joy.
A couple of good things came about. Namely, Becky and Sam are coming with to the welcome home ceremony, which they normally would not have been able to. Granny is at rest with our Savior. And, because there will be seven adults in our caravan coming home, way too many for the comfort of a soldier who has this *thing* about being crowded, I will get to drive my own car and Josh will get to stretch out and pick the music. We can stop every couple of hours and rotate siblings and parents so everyone can get their personal time with him.
It’s a lesson I learned from my dad, once upon a time. His uncle’s funeral was on my birthday, probably 15 or so years ago. And Granny was ticked that he didn’t do what she wanted him to do. Instead, he celebrated his daughter’s birthday. And so, I will celebrate.
It isn’t that I’m insensitive or immature. Life isn’t fair. It’s a kick in the pants that Josh went to Iraq. But we dealt with it. I have come to terms with Josh being dropped off in Grand Rapids instead of Anoka. I have come to terms with participating in a welcome home ceremony where I don’t get an opinion. And it isn’t Josh or my fault that Granny died this week.
But since life isn’t fair, a person with depression, like me, has to choose between the emotions we feel, lest we have an emotional break down. Josh deserves to have a wife who has spent all week preparing for his return. Josh deserves a happy wife, a welcome home that is not muted with grieving. I will tone down my giddy excitement at the appropriate moments, but at the same time, I have to live life. I have to feel joy.
A couple of good things came about. Namely, Becky and Sam are coming with to the welcome home ceremony, which they normally would not have been able to. Granny is at rest with our Savior. And, because there will be seven adults in our caravan coming home, way too many for the comfort of a soldier who has this *thing* about being crowded, I will get to drive my own car and Josh will get to stretch out and pick the music. We can stop every couple of hours and rotate siblings and parents so everyone can get their personal time with him.
It’s a lesson I learned from my dad, once upon a time. His uncle’s funeral was on my birthday, probably 15 or so years ago. And Granny was ticked that he didn’t do what she wanted him to do. Instead, he celebrated his daughter’s birthday. And so, I will celebrate.
posted by Consecutive Odds @ 7:30 PM
2 Comments:
At 8:06 AM ,
jessica @pianomomsicle said...
You know, i love you lots. i do. i think you are such an amazing woman and i respect the choices you make whole-heartedly. Even the ones i wouldn't necessarily make myself, you've taken the time to weigh pros and cons and consult the Bible and others, and that makes you a wise, thorough woman i am proud to know.
At 7:28 PM ,
Consecutive Odds said...
Thanks, honey! That means a lot to me! You're awesome!
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