Blonde moment

And the silver spoon.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

I can define a difficult feeling...

I've been trying to define or express this particular feeling for a couple of weeks now. After I got over the period of sleeping a lot (darned ITP), I got this feeling. And this feeling causes me to be a little insensitive towards those I wish to not be insensitive to. And I can finally express this feeling. Talking to Dad often does this. There are really not many grown ups that I can express this to that understand. Dad does. I think my Uncle Jim does too. Anyway, so in the last few weeks, I have been making the rounds of calls the wife of a deployed soldier sometimes feels obligated to make. I've been making these calls at leisure. And here's how a typical conversation will go:
Callee: "So, tell me Liz, how are you doing?"
Me: "I miss Josh."
Callee: "Well, we all miss Josh," or "Well, you're not the only one who misses Josh."

OK, yes, I understand that others miss Josh. But, to put this in perspective, my life has been turned upside down. This would be like telling one of my grandmothers when they talk about my grandfathers, "Well, we all miss Grandpa." Most people do not wake up every morning and see that Josh is gone. Most do not come home every evening with the knowledge that Josh will not be there. This is not to say that others can't miss Josh, but the response, "We all miss Josh," puts our feelings on the same plane. So, what should be a mutual expression of sharing a burden ends up with me listening to how much someone else misses Josh and I don't get to share my burden.

And this is the other remark that stings:"Talking to you makes me miss Josh even more."

Well then. So, how am I to respond to this? Should I not call or e-mail? Is this something that I should apologize for? So, I don't call.

I've been spending the last few weeks determining my primary support system. This will probably take the next several months and there will always be new additions. I like talking about Josh and I like talking with others who like talking about Josh. But, I would also like to talk about Liz and how Liz and Josh's marriage is going. And I like talking about what's going on with my friends.

I had a really good "Liz" week this week. Misty came over on Wednesday, and we talked a while. Misty and I have been accountability partners for five years now. Then Jon and Pam and I went to a Geoff Moore concert at church. My family also was there. Mandy Mae remembered that Geoff Moore wrote one of the songs that was sung at Josh and my wedding, and had the foresight to plan on him performing the song. I did not remember that, and I was out of pocket tissue. A special moment sharing a good cry with ones sister always makes you feel better. My sisters are good to me.

Well, today is our first Family Readiness Group meeting. Perhaps I will gain additional tips on how to not be insensitive to others, even when they may not be sensitive to you...


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